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05 February 2008 @ 08:14 pm
There she stood, in all her glory. Cigarette in one hand, glass of cognac in the other and casting every man in the room under her spell. She was- as always- perfect. She exuded glamour- from her perfectly set hair to her stunning red dress. And as always, I couldn't keep my eyes off her. A sultry pout and a swing of the hips and I, like every man in the place, was hooked.

I, however, was fortunate enough to know her well enough already. Sexy, powerful, volatile- every moment with her was a further tick of the metaphorical time bomb, and every word, future ammunition. I tore my eyes from her for a moment to signal the bartender. When I turned back, she was sashaying towards me.

She reached me, and I couldn't even get a word out before she began. She pulled a small package from her bag and threw it on the table. Realising immediately its contents, I paled with fear.
She spoke calmly and succinctly, "Perhaps this will make you reconsider your stance on the pressing issue, Mr Sanders."
And then, as quickly as she'd appeared, she slunk back into the smoky haze of the bar.
28 January 2008 @ 12:40 pm
His eyes burn. The salt water stings where he nicked himself shaving this morning. They’d been under for a while now. Where is that bloody crucifix?

He looks around, desperately trying to see through seawater murkied by kicking bodies and swirls of sand. The salt-water pool, dug out of the rocks hundreds of years ago, fights the swimmer; tries to stop him finding the prize that has been thrust into its depths. He is one of many searching for the small cross that is thrown into the water and chased by anyone eager to be involved in the day’s celebrations.

After an eternity under water, he is beginning to give up. And then, in the periphery of his vision, he sees it. He dives towards it, the water progressively colder as he goes further into the depths. Constantly aware of the burning sensation in his chest as his lungs tighten and his brain panics from lack of oxygen, he kicks on and grabs at the crucifix.

He pulls. It doesn’t move. Caught on a rock.

He tugs harder and shifts the rock. Pulling his prize free, he swims upward and surfaces with the cross tightly clenched in his fist. The others surface too, and as they do, the crowd are thrown into chaos at the presence of one more body floating upwards toward the festivities.

* * *

Mark empties the packet of sugar slowly into the centre of the froth and gently edges it through to the coffee. Ignoring Laura’s questioning eyebrow, he watches it sink and delicately stirs, trying not to disturb the fluffy top. Laura sits back and folds her arms, growing increasingly irritated. He goes to repeat the process with a second packet, and Laura snaps.

“Mark, for Christ’s sake!”

He stops, and looks up at her sullenly.

“Thank you,” she nods, not quite gracious, but nevertheless acknowledging the act. “We’ve got a dead body, discovered on the annual Greek Orthodox dive at the Bogey Hole this morning. Male, middle-aged, looks to be a white-collar worker. A few obvious injuries and the body was weighted down, which suggests someone was trying to make sure he got to the bottom and stayed there.”

He grimaces.
“Jesus. Happy Easter.”

“Yeah, well. It’ll be a few days before we get an autopsy report,” she shakes her head, “One man dies and two thousand years later, he’s still causing a hold up in the morgue.”

Mark sighs and sips at his coffee.
“We at least get an ID?”

A nod. Yes.
“Licence in his pocket says Luke Green.”

* * *

Sarah Green stares quietly at the phone in her hand, willing it to ring.
Of course, it doesn’t and it won’t. Her father would never bother to ring her at 3pm two
weeks after Easter. In fact, he would never bother to ring her at all except very late in the evening when he found a few horrible, whisky-soaked, angry words he’d forgotten to give her in her childhood.

Generally, she was fine with that. More than fine; she was glad. She would rather not deal with him at all, anymore. She would certainly prefer to never have to hear his drunken slurs and short, angry breaths ever again.

Except now.
Now she was hormonal, alone, pregnant and unable to summon her usual rage toward her father, or the quiet, cheerful mask she put on every morning at 7:52am sharp as she left her house for the dental surgery.

She stared at the phone, fully aware her father was not going to ring. Then- miracle of miracles- it rang. She answered awkwardly and after a brief moment’s conversation, hung up slowly, contemplating the news she had just received; her father would never call again. Ever.
Five minutes later, the police called to tell her the exact same thing.

* * *

Mark hung up the phone and sunk back in his chair. As he stared blankly upwards, noticing some dry rot in the ceiling, Laura opened the door. He snapped back to attention, sitting up straight and giving her a tight-lipped grimace.

“I just got off the phone with Sarah Green, our victim’s daughter. She’s coming in this afternoon.”

Laura nodded.
“How was she when you told her? The usual reaction?”

“Pretty much. She seemed a little dazed, not as shocked by the news as I’d expected. Not as upset as I’d expected either. Just sort of...detached about the whole thing.”

“Well, we’ll be able to get a better idea when she comes in this afternoon, I suppose. Have you got any information on her?”

“Well, I got her work and home addresses. Lives in Tighes Hill, works in a dental surgery. Otherwise, she’s fairly enigmatic. No criminal record.”

* * *
24 October 2007 @ 06:45 pm
just dug up some work from a while back i thought i'd post.

kiss my flesh and
melt away my sins
i'm trying to find words
but i just can't begin

to say how right it feels
to collide with you
i never did believe
we could feel the way we do

and when my heart aches
you're there
when my world breaks
you swear
when it all comes down
you promise to be there forever.



PS. I Love You
As I trace the postcard
& slip it in the box
I curse as I realise
Just what I forgot

Honey, nowhere's safer than your arms
And you know, I'm happy, happy now
What I'm trying to say is
Well, I...I...I

Baby know that I
Want to give it a shot
It's just so hard to say
Those 3 words I forgot

The truth is, I'm scared
To give this away
There goes independence
When I give you my heart

Honey, nowhere's safer than with you
I could lie here forever
And know I'd be happy
I just want to say
I think I...I...I...

sweltering on this freezing night
i'll lie here till morning might
make or break me
i've got to keep on movin'
if it's too fast for you,
you're gonna have to take me

I'll fight you till there's nothin' left to prove
'cause baby, you're my favourite thing to do

I can't stand lyin' here alone
You didn't ask, so I guess that you must know
stopping's not an option now
so i guess you'll have to take me

I'll fight you till there's nothin' left to prove
'cause baby, you're my favourite thing to do


& i'd lie here
till my battery's long gone
just watching your smile
with you a million miles away
and my heart set in these slides

it's so hard when you realise
just what it is your heart desires
no more heartbreak, no more lies?
but you know i'm still a liar

every moment i'm wishing you
were here with me
but i'm alon and every
time the clock ticks
my heart breaks a little more

i know i want you
more than anything else
but this monogamy throw me
and i can't stand to hurt you
forgive me in advance.

my hair is soft but my gaze is hard
and my cheeks are slick & damp
i can taste tha salt again
why did i go away?

a million miles is too far to be apart
but it's not too far to run to you
can i leap into your arms?
please love me.

hold me hold me hold me
i want to be with you
i can almost imagine your hands
trace my flesh like it's worth something

you make these scars feel forgivable
like these flaws are okay
don't you mind my bullshit?
if it's okay with you, i love you.

please don't let me ruin this
stupid teenage irrationality
it's not 'stuck' if you're happy


it's like i have an aversion
to allowing myself to smile
you offer me positive assertion
and i simply run a mile

i stay caught up on silly things
i know can only hurt
no matter what joy you bring
i always stay alert

there's reasons i have trouble trusting
when best friends betray you like that
you feel that your hinges are rusting
& their places just turn into gaps

'cause i already hate this page
these bitter words i write
it's too much nowto face
but perhaps someday i'll fight

fuck you for hurting me
you know you are forgiven
i'm just hoping that someday you'll see
the wrong in your decision.

tearstained cheeks
bloodstained sheets
liestained life
dreamstained sleep
hopestained days
hurtstained gaze
truthstained angst
guiltstained laze


wil you ever even know how hurt i am?
14 September 2007 @ 02:32 pm
short drabble. actually not angst, unbelievably.
kisses in the rain. =]

The afternoon is unseasonably warm, and I sit in the back room basking in the sun's rays. It's perfect.

I wish you were here.Collapse )
04 September 2007 @ 05:54 pm
unbeta'd, incoherent, faction drabble.
faction being a blend of fact and fiction.
basically starts all story-like & then melts into shameless angst on my behalf.
you've been warned.

She raises the bottle sluggishly to her lips, draining the last few amber drops that remained in the bottom, clinging to the glass like she cling to memories of him.
She has become every cliche she hates, sitting alone with a bottle, lamenting unrequited love.

sleeplessCollapse )
Current Location: bedroom.
Current Mood: shit.
Current Music: your evil soul- the spill canvas
14 August 2007 @ 10:34 pm
watch it all changing
waht're you gonna do?
so this is what it comes down to...
it's all up to you now.

you've been holding in too long
just say what you feel
stop ignoring those emotions


push me,b>
you asphyxiate me
teh way you violate me
you suck away my soul

take my life away from me
your words, they knife through me
steal my breath from my chest


oh, to be the last sad believer
love, euphemism for life
gone, but not forgotten-
stole in the night.

teach me again how to feel
you're the only one this hapens for
i just can't time it right
i find my self left so unsure

you've left me to only contemplate
a million thing that i did wrong
knowing always and forever
you should've been mine all along

a byproduct of course of teenage angst
the filthy recess of my mind
i know no matter where it goes
it can't leave you behind.

one defining moment.
perfection's never been closer
than when i was in your arms
and i learnt what all those
cliched lines were trying to say.

and for just on, single
defining moment,
i didn't care if the sun
never rose
because i knew where i wanted to be;
happy like this forever.

but it's gone, and it's
never coming back
and so i live in that
momement, and think back;
my happy reminisce.
Current Location: home.
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: let's flip a con- streets of rage
24 July 2007 @ 07:55 pm
my mind;
my head;

i wish that you'd just get out
(get out, get out, get out)

it's easier,
but attention-

you make me lose coherency
(can't speak anymore)

so sick
blurred lines
what's fiction?

not sure why i even want you
(but i do, unexplainedly)

not really
left it all
so late.

guess you're sparing me further pain
(but i could take that more than now.)


Here's to broken hearts
Here's to bad romances
To sleazy pick up lines
To undeserved first chances

To going out on weekends
To never looking back
To every minute of our lives
We're never getting back.

Here's to all the catfights
To every name we called
To every bitch, whore, slut & hussy
God knows, I've had 'em all.

To every lat night sob-session.
Here's to every time we cried.
To every time we fell down,
After every time we tried.

Here's to all bad poetry
To every goddamn line
To every single failed exam
To every time we sighed.

To every fickle girl
& to every cheating boy
To every time the one you loved
Played you like a toy

For every time we, as teens
Unleashed fear among the masses;
for all of this, let's celebrate
Our teenage rites of passage.
24 March 2007 @ 07:50 pm
Let Me Be
Catch me as I fall,
a leaf from a fying tree
Hold me back from harm
Save me from my fragility

Corrupt the innocents, but leave me peace
My heart is laden enough
Without fear, being lost
Not knowing who to trust

Let me reach out when I'm ready,
let me hide beneath my shell
You knew my problem, and still
You caught me as I fell

It's too late to turn back
So let's pretend it's real
Shock them into thinking
I'm sure of how I feel

Maybe you know the truth
I sure as hell don't
They tell me that I will one day
I tell them, No, I won't.

But I like it better that way
I shield my burning eyes
from all the world out there
from all the lows & highs

I'd rather stay in the safety
of your one last kiss
Right now I know that that
is the one thing I miss

Maybe You Should Call Her Beautiful
She tells herself she's happy
and echoes it to her friends
they never guess what's happening
until she's near the end

She tells them all she's fine
And she plays them all for fools
She doesn't want to feel "ok"
She wants to feel beautiful

She craves to be noticed
Just for once, not for long
She want's to feel she's special;
That she does belong

But her calm will not be delivered
her pain, never subdued
She is never recognised;
Given credit where it's due

She tells herself she has a good heart
that masquerades in it's badness
and it's breaking slowly
while she smiles to cover the sadness

Well, maybe it serves you right if you fall,
if you're just not good enough
You should have said you felt something at all
Silence is golden, but it doesn't make you tough.

Inferiority Complex
Well, I told you I moved on
but really, I couldn't
So I lied through gritted teeth
Of course I still want you
Who wouldn't?

I know there's no perfection
But you just come so close
It makes me feel like...
Like I'll never be good enough

And all your sweet words
Don't help to ease me
In fact they hurt more
'Cause if I'm so goddamn beautiful
Then why don't you want me?

I know there's no perfection
But you just come so close
It makes me feel like...
Like I'll never be good enough

I keep saying that there's still some chance
Though I know there's not
We're still friends and I'm glad
But somehow
Sometimes, that's just not enough

I know there's no perfection
But you just come so close
It makes me feel like...
Like I'll never be good enough

You're so kind and sweet
So caring and I love it
So much I can't escape it
The feeling lingers there
And I just can't seem to shake it

Allure in the eys of a mystery man
Those piercing blues that see
So captivating as they gaze
Cutting into all of me

My heart won't slow in my chest
Locked behind its ribbed cage
Thinking about you all too much
Will be the first mistake I make.

Guitarists fingers, so she said
I knew the truth from lies
When we talk it takes great skill
to still my adolescent sighs

When I said "I'm fine",
didn't you hear my eyes
screaming "no, I'm not"?

When I laughed & smiled & joked,
why didn't you see
straight through my facade?

The falsified happiness
I wear most when I'm worst
When the lows are way, way down.

Do you honestly think
This is how I always am?
Hyper & confiednt & happy?

No, it's just my finest disguise
worn through in patches
ripped; torn from overuse.

There's something about falling
That all happens too fast
You're onto another
Before you're over your last

Then you feel whorish
to lust for so many
when you'd be lucky to have one;
lucky to have any.

And he's charming & funny
you love just to chat
So even though he's a jerk
You can forget about that.

Silence, stillness, sadness
There's a stillness in the room
Have I frozen time itself?
My breath hovers in my chest
This feeling, I can't help...

I'm seeing things that just aren't there
Visions, shadows, lights playing trick.
And I don't know what is happening,
All I know is this;

I'm cracking up
I'm losing screws
My head's in a tailspin
And it's all over you.

Scratch at my flesh
As if I can touch my bone
Hate the glare of the light
But when it's off I'm all alone

So fractured/so fixable
So bent/so beautiful
So dinted/so different
So imperfect/so incredible

Seem like this feeling and I
Go hand in hand
I'm scared when I get this way
This place, in my head, I can't stand

And everyone can say
How wonderful you are
But you're not, yo udon't feel it
You're broken, you're flawed, you're scarred

And when you look in the mirror
You silently pray that girl is not yourself
So unloved, so unwanted
You wish to become someone else

So trite, so ungrateful
So filled with unnecessary angst
So used to doing everything
Without a word of thanks

Life is piling up
Words become release
From stress, from the world
And then all you want is sleep.

This Whole "Descent" Thing
And do you know
How it feels to fall down
To reach the bottom
And find no way around?

'cause I find my heart
So difficult to hide
Can't keep it from you
I know, 'cause I've tried.

I'm just a little girl
So hapless, so pathetic
Do you know
How it feels
To fall down?

Shacking hands, gravelled knees
You know the damage is done
And I know you won't pick me up again
And I know I'm not your one.

I write cliched lines & poetry
I lie crying in the dark
I try endlessly to sort me out;
to make my feelings stark

I'm just a little girl,
So completely fucked up
And I know what it's like to fall

Who are you to me?
Don't touch me
Don't mess me up anymore
Just let it go
And watch me
24 July 2007 @ 07:48 pm
The Few Good People
Her hands shake
She bites back tears
Suddenly, inexplicably
She has to face her fears

She can't believe the words she hears
She doesn't want to believe them anymore
How could one who loved them cause them this pain
Why can't things be how they were before?

Of all the people in the world
She's the last to deserve it
Why do the few good people
Get treated like this?

She has something to tell me
She stands in front of me
And as she stands there
I can feel it immediately

This is a brand new pain
Thought she knew how it felt to be hurt
But now there's a new definition
And she's never ever felt worse

Of all the people in the world
She's the last to deserve it
Why do the few good people
Get treated like this?

Somehow, she's not angry
Despite what she knows he has done
Just so disappointed in him
How could he do this to his daughters, his wife, his sons?

Of all the people in the world
She's the last to deserve it
Why do the few good people
Get treated like this?

And now I just want to take away her pain
Dry her tears, hold her close
Wish I knew how to make things better
Can't someone tell me, so I know?

Why do the few good people
Get treated like shit?
24 January 2007 @ 07:47 pm
I Use Nicknames Because I Can't Remember Your Real One
Crash and burn, baby
It's what the cool kids do
And we all know how the whores act
Is how we should all act, too

Honey, how do I get it through?
Honest, I don't give a damn!
Don't you know it's easier being numb?
You refuse to understand.

I can cry my eyes out
and you just wouldn't care
You don't see this broken girl
That life just won't treat fair.

Blow me a kiss, baby
And know I don't feel fine
I don't give a crap if I broke your heart
'Cause hell, you sure broke mine.